I have demons in me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
