I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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