I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
