I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
