I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
