Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
