What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
