Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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