whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
