but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
