Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
