it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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