My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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