you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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