every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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