I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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