I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
