Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
