no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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