i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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