do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
