Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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