Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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