Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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