Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dating After Heartbreak
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.