your parents love me but you hate me
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
