Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
