I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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