If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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