So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
