Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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