My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
