my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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