she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
did i walk over a car last night?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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