I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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