so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
