he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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