I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
