so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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