Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
