You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
