i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
