also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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