Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
