after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
