where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
