I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
