Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
