I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
