yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize