He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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