fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
