Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
