I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
