Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
