i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
